I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t written a letter or email to someone in so long that I feel like I don’t know how to put my feelings into words anymore. Why did we ever stop writing letters in the first place? I guess it was to develop oral communication because I, for one, used letters to say what I was never courageous enough to say to someone’s face.
Stuff like “I’ve liked you for the longest while” or ” It brings me to tears every time I see you with another woman” or even “I love you”….well maybe not that last one.
I just wanted to say that I missed you. What we had; our friendship. I miss your mind. That creative noggin of yours. You always said the uniquest things at the weirdest times that warrants a warm genuine smile. You don’t know this but I used to stare at you and just imagine how awesome inside your head must be.
We had fun. At least thats what I remember. Dude! Whether it was over music or silence, chilling and talking with you was always fun.
Damn it! We were good. Together. As friends. Just friends.
What the hell happened? I still cant get over the sudden goodbye.
Why did we stop being friends? Maybe one began to like the other and it wasn’t mutual or maybe it’s some crazy thing that I will never know and understand.
But whatever it is, I don’t feel like it was worth it.
Do you know how it feels to know I was fatigued and slightly dehydrated to the point where my legs wouldn’t hold me up anymore and I had a friend who picked me up, carried me to my room, tucked me in bed and never took advantage of me…but that friend is no longer in my life as a friend.
Do you know how it feels to know that I had a friend who knew how excited and pumped I was about a performance and even though they couldn’t make it, came immediately after to find out how it went, while it was still fresh in my head?
This sucks, it really does. I get lumps in my throat sometimes thinking about that night. A twilight is what it feels like. You were always a shoulder for me and I tried being that for you but when I needed you the most…you weren’t there. And I keep asking why? What did I do? Why didn’t your behavior make sense?
Only two things came to my mind:
- Either you wanted more than a friendship and hearing about another guy was too much for you or;
- You had some really heavy shit of your own to deal with and just couldn’t be bothered with mine.
It must have been #1 because #2 would not warrant you telling me to never speak to you again.
If you ever read this, and I know you will, I don’t want you to feel like I am trying to take you on a guilt trip. We both went our separate ways and have been living separate lives. You reached out to me. You chose to go back to that night after I had carried on with life.
What you did was fuxked up.
*PS I hope you quit smoking. I may have started.
On a brighter note, I like this. I’ll try to do more of these.
It requires late nights, silence, tears and a mental wall.
I can do it.