Tag Archives: The Nomad

Chocolate Therapy Session 1

“He was just a stranger with a drink. Till he spoke. Then he became an experience I wanted to have. Once, perhaps. That should be enough” she said.

“Hmm. What exactly did he say? What did you two talk about?” asked the therapist.

“It’s not so much what he said but how he said it” she tried to explain. “He spoke with such confidence. He commanded attention without raising his voice. That sexy voice of his. It’s like chocolate- he’s like chocolate. You just want to lick it.”

“So his voice is what attracted you to him then?” a valid question.

“That paired with his look. He had these eyes…I don’t want to say dreamy but they make you want to know what’s behind them. And when he smiles and they get even smaller, gosh it’s just an overall gorgeous look.” Smiling and biting her lips at the same time, the recliner transported her down memory lane.

“I knew he was taken but I just wanted to have some fun. After all, I’ve never seen a tree I wanted to climb and didn’t. I told him I wanted him and he was ok with the suggestion. So we had sex.”

“His voice drew you into bed with him? Is that what I am getting?”

“Ummm. I don’t know. Maybe because physically he’s different from what I normally go for but his different it good. He felt different and newness was sweet. He was sweet. I liked the feel and taste of his skin. I liked the fact that I didn’t have to say anything or ask anything. I like the fact that he just did it. I liked the fact that he didn’t ask me to do anything I didn’t want to simply because he wanted me to. I liked the fact that he made it easy to feel right. I looked past some things I shouldn’t have because after all I just wanted one thing and then I’d be gone but…I liked the sex more than I thought I would. I liked the feel of his body more than I thought I would and it happened again. I broke my rules with this man and when I said I’d had enough I let his voice and eyes pull me back. And ooooh, he’s so refreshing in bed.”

“Though I don’t condone messing around with men already involved in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with an occasional tussle between two consenting adults. This is probably what you needed, Ava” said the therapist, still trying to figure out the purpose of the session.

“You don’t get it do you? I developed feelings for this man. I wanted one like him for myself because I knew I couldn’t have him. I really liked him till I saw the family portrait in his wallet. He’s your husband, Carmen.”

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Warning: Part 2 is for mature readers only. Contact me for password

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Super(?) Girl

I’m Super Girl 

And I’m here to save the world

And I wanna know

Who’s gonna save me?

(And I wanna know why I feel so alone)

 

Super Girl – Krystal Harris (take a listen… a real listen)

 

I don’t think a song has ever, so accurately, described my feelings.

My current situation has me feeling all kinds of alone and frustrated and a little sad (maybe more than a little).

Just today I was thinking (today isn’t the first but today the  thought was really serious) that every time my friends are going through something, I am always the one offering help and trying to ensure everybody is ok. YET, whenever I am the one going through something (like the situation I am going through now) there is no one going out of their way or breaking their necks to ensure that I am ok. Why? huh, Why?

Lets just say that I am in a very uncomfortable situation and I NEED to get out of it. For better positioning of your mind, no, I did not put myself in this position. Let’s examine 4 case studies. After I shared the situation with some friends and one discovered it with me, here were the responses:

  1. One friend said they would check back on me and see how I’d be doing. At the moment of writing this post (published immediately after) it has been exactly 8 days and I have not heard a peep back from the friend.
  2. Another friend took all of an entire week before responding to me and don’t talk about busy. If this friend wants to contact me, nothing stops her. NOTHING. Not once did she ask about my discomfort or safety (just if anything was stolen).
  3. Another friend missed her two self-set deadlines regarding getting information to me that could help me get out of this situation. At the  time of this post being written and published, I cannot get through to her to give her an update. Maybe she thinks I’m calling about what she voluntarily promised me.
  4. Now this friend is in a category all to himself. I wonder if I should even refer to him as a friend. Now this person is similar to me in a few aspects but so very different. I will say that this friend tried to help but was asking all of the wrong questions and really never satisfied a need. This friend actually couldn’t understand what the problem was and as such this created a mental barrier in my head against them (sorry). Being that they couldn’t understand the discomfort, I was left in the situation.

*NB. These are the same friends who would never let me celebrate a birthday alone. Now, had any of them (minus number 4 because they have never needed anyone for anything and I have said this to them before) been in the situation I am in, I would be the one sacrificing to make sure they are safe and ok. I would even go to the extent of breaking rules to ensure that they are a little more comfortable, that they have someone they can vent to, that they have a shoulder to cry on and just let is all out. Because, sometimes, life gets a little overwhelming.

 

But I have long time known and accepted that people don’t really care. They will ask you ‘how are you?’ out of manners or custom but really don’t want to hear anything but ‘I’m ok/ I’m good/ I’m fine, thanks’. Nobody wants to hear about another person’s problems. NOBODY. Even when they ask, they hope you spare the details and don’t talk about it for too long because they have their own “fish to fry”.

This is very unfortunate and it shouldn’t be the way it is. No one person can be that self sufficient to not need another person to lean on even if only momentarily. Apparently, my friends see me as that person. That person that always has a solution to every problem. That person whose problems are never bigger than them. That person who is tough. That person who will get through it. That person who will be fine. I think every time I have an issue they say “Charnele? She’ll be fine. She’s tough.”

I am not that person. Yes, I have been raised to be able to do certain things for myself but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like some help. And because I am treated like this, track record will show that I handle things almost always by myself. That’s the problem with being the strong person. No one seems to know that sometimes it gets to hard for you to handle it alone. No one knows how you cry over certain things. No one knows when you are truly unhappy.

Throughout this whole ordeal, the only two persons that related to my shock and discomfort and cared for my safety was my mother and a cousin I told. And to think I didn’t want to tell my mother because I didn’t want her to worry. I did anyway, after analysing all I just said. I just wanted my mother. She was hundreds of thousands of miles away though. She would get me and she did. I guess what they say is true ‘at the end of the day, family is all you’ve got’.

 

 

Still, how am I going to continue being Super Girl, saving the world if I still have to ask “Who’s gonna save me?

Update Update and…..you guessed it

Hey guys!

My last post made mention of an upcoming move.

Well now I have. I have officially moved! And Lord, was it a challenge!

I had planned to move from around 9 am. Turns out the landlady couldn’t accommodate me moving at that time. Fine. I could work around that BUT then my ride was not available for any time after that we had initially planned. I didn’t move till after 3pm.

That put a dent in my plans to go do some shopping downtown. (Yh mi go shapn dung town. So wah?) By this hour the rush hour traffic was coming along and I was not about to sit in it. I ended up going to a little pricier area and didn’t get everything I needed, just necessities for the night.

So far, I just started to get some sleep only due to the fact of trying to get home earlier and going straight to bed. For the first few nights, sleep evaded me. I could hear everything; water running, dogs barking, cricket chirping, music up the road, a pin drop. Everything! Plus the heat was too much. I’m dealing with those things and slowly getting everything into place for my comfort.

 

While I’ve been coordinating that, something has been laid as a foundation to build on. I got certified by Lyric Rochester International as a makeup artist. Working with Lyric, The Jamaican Makeup Artist was amazing. I left with a wealth of knowledge and a support system, an absolutely wonderful brush set, lashes and amazing mua friends that I still keep in touch with almost daily.

I created a new instagram page to showcase my work. Its Faced2Face. Follow the page for my makeup updates, tips and tricks and looks I do. You can also use that as a hashtag to follow as well #Faced2Face.

I am still extremely busy with work as retail and marketing often get fast paced at this time of the year. I’m still above the water breathing and will make it soundly out of 2015 and into 2016 with God and all of you!

 

Can’t wait for the future to unveil. Can you?

And by the way…I just got something in the mail…and they fit so well! 🙂20151204_142039[1]

Certainly, Your love.

My love,

What a journey it has been. The ups, the downs, the uncertainties – and here we are today able to celebrate the little accomplishments.

I know at this very moment you may identify with the feeling of exhaustion more than any other and yes, there will be time to rest. I will cater to you. It is my duty and you are my priority.

I just wanted you to know that I see the hours of work you put in. I see the attention you give. I know about all the sleepless nights. I see your overworking mind, never at rest. I see you making moves. I see the sacrifices you make and understand the skill you demonstrate in being mindful of your queen all while building a dream.

I want you to know that I see all that and I appreciate it and even more so I appreciate you. I appreciate you being a man in my life but not just any man –the real, amazing man you are. I appreciate how you make time for me and my problems. I appreciate how you listen to my ramblings. I appreciate how you drop everything to make sure I am alright. I appreciate how you ensure that my mind is at ease before bed each night. I appreciate how you relieve my stress. I appreciate how you make me feel safe and secure. I appreciate how you free my mind from worry by being true to yourself, to me and to us.

None of that has gone unnoticed and I want you to know that. I’m going to show you that.

I hope you like the contents.

Get dressed. We’re going out.

Then afterwards, I’m going to savour undressing you…..

Certainly,

Your love.

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Thoughts on a Pillow….

I really am sad. I just came to that realization today. I am trying to be fine without a part of me I had had for so long and accepted as mine. While change is inevitable and we all do to survive, all my heart is really aching for is the familiarity it once had. The change was sudden. The change is permanent. A gap is left to be filled. So while the world carries on because it cares not abut the troubles of one small girl, A brave face must be put on. But how long can that hold up before the tears come through? Things can never go back to the way they were. History never rewinds, it only repeats itself. And that small truth is not enough to cover this loss. To accept the irreversible and move on with life while I still have it, Is what I must do But will I ever be able to find happiness again?

Intimidation – Perceived as Competition or Completion

I recently found myself in a position that I cannot recall previously being in….well not from the perspective I was in this moment.

I can hardly remember meeting a guy who intimidated me. I have met countless women who, for one reason or another, intimidated me. Men who intentionally try to intimidate me, achieve something completely different. They ignite annoyance and anger. However, many of the occasions in which intimidation occurred/occurs (whether I am concerned or not) happens unintentionally. Sharon Day of Sales Activation Group nicely lists some ways in which we are perceived as intimidating. Here are a few:

-Using industry or company jargon and acronyms that aren’t widely known or recognized.

-Using technical data or an excessive amount of numbers and calculations and then insisting on including and poring over all of the information in a presentation.

-When we speak above our audience, using big words when little words will do – communication only occurs when the other person understands what we’ve said.

-When we throw titles around.  Although we may be proud of our accomplishments, people do business with people, not titles.

– When we emit swagger.  Only swagger resulting from confidence is appealing; swagger born from arrogance is a turn-off; standing tall while remaining humble is best.

While her standpoint is business oriented, it is very true to human social relations nonetheless. I confess, after reading this, I may have very well intimidated a person or two while doing my job. It is not my intention…but what just dawned on me that it may be a subconscious act seeing how I was INTENTIONALLY intimidated by persons who had knowledge and experience with what I was just learning as a newbie.

But back to the real matter at hand. I found (I could say “/find” as this is ongoing but let’s not get into the technicalities of that because you very well be reading this in 2097 when I would no longer be around and going through this with the same man. So let’s just say I am referring to the very moment I realized what I was dealing with. I digress) myself intimidated by a man. To set context, this is a man I am attracted to and really like. I have definitely been in this situation before but as the one being intimidating. I sometimes do that just to see if the person will back down or prove that I don’t scare them and they can handle me. In those situations I am intentionally intimidating someone but this is not the same. I do not get the impression that this man is trying to intimidate me. If anything, it is the opposite. He has been nothing but a positive influence (for the most part) in my life.

So after really thinking hard about the situation my response can either be fight or flight; fight not necessarily being force or resistance but just dealing with it. The very thing about him that intimidates me, attracts me as well. This lead me to think that probably, the subconscious mind is leading me towards the very things I lack and fear, in an effort to make me a more rounded person. They say opposites attract….this can be argued either way with valid points but only time will tell what will come of this man now being in my life and I in his.

What do you think? Is his intimidation a way of competing with me and is my attraction to it a search for completeness?

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What does it really mean to be healthy?

I recently had a check up done by a doctor.

After checking all my vitals and urine sample et al. he said to me. “Wow, you are very healthy. Keep doing what you are doing.”

It was after this that he asked “Do you exercise?” the answer to which was “no”….going against his advice, I will not be keeping that up.

But despite all that my tests results show, I don’t feel healthy.

Not physically.

Not mentally.

What is health? What does good health mean? Medical …
  1. Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”     The Definition has not been amended since 1948. Sep 26, 2014

That is the definition that I will be working with.

This therefore means that Dr. Good looking-married man-with the Latin surname-dishing out complements made a wrong diagnosis. I don’t feel completely physically fine. I certainly don’t feel completely mentally fine and my social well-being…what is that?

Well, according to what Yahoo Answers says, my social well-being is not in a state of completeness.

You know how they say the mind has a lot to do with the physical? Well its true. When I say I am going to have a good/great day, it doesn’t mean everything is going to go right but I have noticed that my day is/was a good one. Same goes for when I say they day s going to be horrible. I have been trying to see if this principle transcends into the realm of health – no verdict in as yet.

Dude! Did you notice the definition above makes no mention of spiritual well-being? Why doesn’t it? (I actually want an answer to this question) And don’t tell me it was in an effort to remain neutral and to not offend. The number of people who believe in a higher being or power greatly outnumbers that of those who do not. And (partially) as such, I believe it is important and should be included in the definition. It strikes a balance in all aspects of things that makes one feel at peace in and with one’s self.

But my intention is not to debate a definition (Still answer my question, though!). I just wanted to state that I am not healthy. I don’t feel healthy even though I may look it. The part that is worse than knowing you are not healthy is really feeling like there is nothing you can do in all unhealthy parts of your life to make everything a-ok again.

How did I get here? How did I just let myself go like this? I’ve always felt that these are questions overweight people ask themselves and here I am battling with them too.

What is good healthy to you and do you think you have it?

 

 

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Jealousy

Jealousy.

It is one of those emotions that I never liked and still don’t. While growing up I tried not to be jealous of people. If I saw something I wanted, I just made up my mind that I would get one for myself.

I seemed to have everything under control until recently. Recently I have been feeling jealous….frequently.

Definition of jealous in English: (Oxford Dictionary, so you know it’s real…lol)

adjective

Feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages:

 

I was jealous of the “perceived advantages”. I am so annoyed. Even reflecting on it makes me feel so annoyed. This is not me. I don’t get jealous. Simply for the reason that I never take/claim ownership over any possession.

That’s all good and well when the matter is about an inanimate object. When the heart comes into play then everything goes haywire. Rules are of no importance, logic whispers but cannot overpower the shout of jealousy and for a moment a different you, takes over your being.

I get jealous over the stupidest of things.

  • It was  simple “good morning” – a display of manners.
  • It was a harmful joke – whatever happened to my sense of humor?
  • That’s how friends say goodbye – whatever happened to a goodbye hug?
  • Proximity should be a non-factor here – I mean, c’mon! Its a party. Everybody has to get real close just to share a message.
  • Familiarity is something that you can’t avoid – these people have known them way longer than they have known you.
  • There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone being friendly and nice to someone – is there?

Those moments annoy me.

But then there are moments when my jealousy is founded.

Those moments worry me.

They say ‘a woman always knows’. And I get the feeling that I am going to lose something.

Not because of the jealousy but because of the fact that everything is causing it.

I sometimes wish I could go back to being completely unbothered by things but I believe that is a thing of the past. I just hope I will be able to handle everything as it happens.

 

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People are Unreliable

People are unreliable.
Nothing’s new.
I’ve known this fact for some time now but I thought it was only applicable sometimes. Upon careful observation I noticed that the mist unreliable of persons are men with cars.
Ha!
Why? You ask….
Well I don’t know.
I could go on forever analyzing my instances with each and speculate reason upon reason as to why they are how they are. I won’t.
I already have a headache and I don’t want to make it worse.

Of course I do believe that there are several factors that affect every outcome. I don’t know the situation surrounding each of my disappointments but men are unreliable. Men who drive are even more unreliable.
I’ve even seen reliable men become the opposite after purchasing a car.

I’m just tired of it.
Be gone.

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At a loss for words.

Directly related to: Letters.

This morning around 3:30 am I awoke to several notifications on my phone. One of which was an apology message.

At university I had this 1 male friend with whom I was pretty close in my first year. In my second year he didn’t live on campus and I saw him less frequently. However, one night I really needed someone to talk to. I needed him so I called him crying. He was concerned and told me he would be there in a few days.
He showed up and we went somewhere to talk. Little did I know I was about to lose a friend. I told him what had happened and no sooner than I did, he told me the choicest of words and never to speak to him again. I was floored. He left me standing there like ‘what? I don’t understand.’ I was alone and scared.
I did not see that coming. That was 2010. Since then we have spoken about twice. One of which was him telling me that he doesn’t know why I hate him so much. I told him I didn’t so he asked why I was so cold. I asked him if he really didn’t remember. He seemingly didn’t but I couldn’t act like I didn’t lose a friend when I reached out for help, support and a listening ear.
Fast forward to now. He apologized for what he did ‘that night’ and for turning his back on me and ‘it was one of the worst ways he had treated a female who looked to him as a safety net’. He said other things and ended with ‘you don’t have to reply. I just wanted you to know how I feel.’

In all honesty, I wouldn’t even know how to respond. All that keeps coming to my mind is ‘you remember’.
I remember seeing him on campus and having to act like I didn’t know him. Eventually I didn’t have to act because he became someone else.
Its because of that night that I don’t like talking about things I am going through because I have this fear that it will drive people away, people I don’t mind having in my life.

I simply don’t know how to respond to him.