Tag Archives: Reflection

It was 10 years ago

Today is June 20, 2017. What happened on this day 10 years ago, is lost to me. I don’t know OK? I have to think to remember what underwear I put on this morning. Generally speaking, in June 2007 I was in my last year of high school. I had probably just wrapped up my Caribbean Secondary Education Certificate examinations and was preparing for graduation.  (Coincidentally, 10 years later my high school, the St. Hilda’s Diocesan High School, is finally extending to have a sixth form.)

I remember a few things concerning me the most at that time.

 

Oh my God! I failed my Caribbean History examination and will have to resist it.

 

I DON’T fail! I just don’t. Like anyone else out there I don’t like the feeling of failing or losing. This was the first time (only twice so far) that I felt that I had not only let myself down but others as well and caused embarrassment and a blow to my reputation. After the exam I went home, got into bed and cried all night (again, this only happened one time after this).

Leading up to the examination I was online (yahoo messenger…yes. It was hot) chatting with a classmate of mine about unrelated topics. Once at school, the chatting was taken offline and face-to-face. I did not revise and read over the way I normally would have in preparation. I felt unprepared.

When the results came out, I passed Caribbean History with a distinction (the highest score category). What was I stressing about? I don’t know. And on top of that, I am not an historian today.

 

I am not graduating or taking any graduation pictures until my broken tooth is fixed.

 

That was the demand I made to my parents. This must be the first time I am talking about my tooth. I usually don’t even acknowledge it because I’ve been insecure about it for the longest while. I should just accept it because I am stuck with it.

In primary school, I broke my front tooth and got it fixed. A few years later while still in primary school I broke the tooth again AND the tooth beside it. When I went to get it fixed, the pain was too much to bear so I didn’t go through with the procedure. I went through high school with a broken tooth and the nerve started to decay after a few years.

Long and short of the story is that it couldn’t be fixed and had to be replaced. Yes, I have a fake tooth in my mouth. I was so uncomfortable smiling and it affected the way I moved my lips when speaking. That was the most annoying bit. The fact that my speech sounded a little different (only for a while) was nowhere close to how annoying it was that my lips instinctively tried to cover the tooth when I spoke. I am still a little self-conscious of it especially for pictures but I have learned how to just work with it (it’s all in the angles). This should not have been such a big deal because I found out that it is a lot more common than I thought. Young and old have a tooth like mine and we are all living just fine.

 

I can’t wait to get out of this place!

 

Not the school (I loved school). I just wanted to get out of the community and town I lived in. It wasn’t a bad place but it wasn’t my fit. I didn’t feel comfortable and it got worse as time went by.  I felt as though I would be stifled there and Kingston would be a better fit for me.

As it turns out, Kingston is a better fit. The friends I am closest with I have either met here or reconnected with here in Kingston. My nomadic spirit is free to move around and the constant bustle is in keeping with my need to always be doing something. BUT low and behold, why must life be so expensive here? Sweet heavens! I don’t even want to think of the alternative. I am happy where I am and that’s that.

 

If I could go back in time I would have told my younger self to stop stressing. It is all going to work out. Focus on your own lane and do not be distracted by the pace of others. You possess a power in you that you cannot imagine right now but you will see it at work.

That would have been comforting to hear 10 years ago.

What were you worried about 10 years ago that no long matters today?

 

CFW201
I think I turned out alright.

I recently placed myself in a very high stress situation.
My head hurt, my brain would not maneuver the obstacle and I was frustrated. I became irritated and was just dishing out attitude. I even began to take feedback and general comments to a whole new level of personal.

I cried. Then I stopped and questioned my actions. This was not like me. I don’t do these things. Says who? Everyone has come to know me as a the strong-willed person that isn’t easily derailed and doesn’t show much emotion. No one ever stopped to consider why….
The thing is, I am a normal human being too. I get my feelings hurt too, I cry sometimes, I get nervous, I feel intimidated, I sometimes feel like I can’t do certain things and that I’m not good enough. This is just not the first ting you will know about me because its not what I want to be the only thing that comes to people’s minds when they think of me. I make an effort to be strong, to not cry, to tell myself that I can do it, that I am worth something because it doesn’t come naturally. I did not wake up like that!

Everyday I interact with someone, I challenge myself. I challenge myself to let them see an individual that I hope can somehow be projected back unto me. I hope they see the person I want to be, the person I try to be each day without casting judgement when a more human side shows.

I try not to over think things. I try not to cry when my feelings are hurt (or not to let them see me cry, at. least). I try things that I think are hard and not for me. Why? Because its a process of self discovery. I don’t think you stay they same forever and as such, I want to keep learning what I can and cannot do. I try not to let my fear cripple me. The fear is there, I’m just trying. I never want to look back and say ‘I didn’t try’. When I say something is intimidating its because that’s my opinion and I am entitled to one, as are you. It in no way means I have given up.

I recently placed myself in a very high stress situation.
My head hurt, my brain would not maneuver the obstacle and I was frustrated. I became irritated and was just dishing out attitude. I even began to take feedback and general comments to a whole new level of personal. But then I remembered I’m doing this for me. For myself. Not for the next person and their comments (negative or not). I’m doing this because I want to better myself. I tell myself that I can do it and its always nice to have someone in your corner believing in you too (thank you for telling me that I can do anything).

So why do I challenge myself? I challenge myself for me. To reinvent and discover myself. I challenge myself to become the person I want to be.