Tag Archives: personal

Almost Over is Not the End

Its July (‘Finally!’ I can hear some people say) and more than half of 2017 is in the bag.

I took a moment and looked at the things I had hoped to accomplish by this time and some of them I have yet to and others seem that they will not be accomplished. A part of me feels, or I should say felt, a little disappointed that after trying my hand at setting S.M.A.R.T. Goals I may not achieve  them all.

Just this morning, my advice to a friend was that she needed to examine a particular situation as if she was not directly involved in it, to give it a fair judgement. That’s what I needed to do (take your own advice nuh sista!). As it turns out, being rue to self, I had set AMBITIOUS goals (I apparently changed the meaning of A in SMART Goals). The goals I had set for the time-frame I had set them for were quite ambitious in that any once could have told me that they were either too heavy or just too much for me to take on alone especially in the time I had set out to do so.

I am not disappointed in setting goals beyond what I can readily attain. I am, however, disappointed in the fact that somethings will have to be rescheduled. I believe they are all of equal importance and choosing which to delay is hard. It is a good thing I find solace in knowing that my journey is not the same as the next person’s I can’t compare my life to theirs. My life has to be compared with itself over a period of time. Without a doubt I can see growth and progress. So while half the year is behind me I am not behind in meeting goals and REALISTIC goals and targets

If you are reading this and you too have realised that some goals o targets for this year will not be met, don’t begin to beat yourself up about it. Step out of the situation and think about how you can shuffle it to move forward. Remember there is no blueprint for this thing. We are all trying to figure it out too.

There is no wrong or right way to pace your life.

What are some of your goals or targets for this year?

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It was 10 years ago

Today is June 20, 2017. What happened on this day 10 years ago, is lost to me. I don’t know OK? I have to think to remember what underwear I put on this morning. Generally speaking, in June 2007 I was in my last year of high school. I had probably just wrapped up my Caribbean Secondary Education Certificate examinations and was preparing for graduation.  (Coincidentally, 10 years later my high school, the St. Hilda’s Diocesan High School, is finally extending to have a sixth form.)

I remember a few things that were concerning me the most at that time.

 

Oh my God! I failed my Caribbean History examination and will have to resit it.

 

I DON’T fail! I just don’t. Like anyone else out there I don’t like the feeling of failing or losing. This was the first time (only twice so far) that I felt that I had not only let myself down but others as well and caused embarrassment and a blow to my reputation. After the exam I went home, got into bed and cried all night (again, this only happened one more time after this).

Leading up to the examination I was online (yahoo messenger…yes. It was hot) chatting with a classmate of mine about unrelated topics. Once at school, the chatting was taken offline and face-to-face. I did not revise or read over the way I normally would have in preparation. I felt unprepared.

When the results came out, I passed Caribbean History with a distinction (the highest score/ grade category). What was I stressing about? I don’t know. And on top of that, I am not an historian today.

 

I am not graduating or taking any graduation pictures until my broken tooth is fixed.

 

That was the demand I made to my parents. This must be the first time I am talking about my tooth. I usually don’t even acknowledge it because I’ve been insecure about it for the longest while. I should just accept it because I am stuck with it.

In primary school, I broke my front tooth and got it fixed. A few years later while still in primary school I broke the tooth again AND the tooth beside it. When I went to get it fixed, the pain was too much to bear so I couldn’t go through with the procedure. I went through high school with a broken tooth and the nerve started to decay after a few years.

The long and short of the story is that it could no longer be fixed and had to be replaced. Yes, I have a fake tooth in my mouth. I was so uncomfortable smiling and it affected the way I moved my lips when speaking. That was the most annoying bit. The fact that my speech sounded a little different (only for a short while) was nowhere close to how annoying it was that my lips instinctively tried to cover the tooth when I spoke. I am still a little self-conscious of it especially for pictures but I have learned how to just work with it (it’s all in the angles). This should not have been such a big deal because I found out that it is a lot more common than I thought. Young and old have a tooth like mine and we are all living just fine.

 

I can’t wait to get out of this place!

 

Not the school (I loved school). I just wanted to get out of the community and town I lived in. It wasn’t a bad place but it wasn’t my fit. I didn’t feel comfortable and it got worse as time went by.  I felt as though I would be stifled there and Kingston would be a better fit for me.

As it turns out, Kingston is a better fit. The friends I am closest with I have either met here or reconnected with here in Kingston. My nomadic spirit is free to move around and the constant bustle is in keeping with my need to always be doing something. BUT low and behold, why must life be so expensive here? Sweet heavens! I don’t even want to think of the alternative. I am happy where I am and that’s that.

 

If I could go back in time I would have told my younger self to stop stressing. It is all going to work out. Focus on your own lane and do not be distracted by the pace of others. You possess a power in you that you cannot imagine right now but you will see it at work.

That would have been comforting to hear 10 years ago.

What were you worried about 10 years ago that no long matters today?

 

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I think I turned out alright.

Back To Life, Back To Me.

As I write this, I am sitting around my dining table in my apartment (if it falls under that category of housing) and thinking. Thinking a lot while I munch on food. Things have changed. I have changed. I read two old posts of mine and thought ‘Where is that girl?’. My voice and creativity have changed and are not as pure as they were. I don’t mind change but I do mind when it takes up too much of the space that is reserved for purity and hope. I want to see blogging as extremely fun and satisfying again.

It is not that I have lost that. I started writing not for myself anymore and that is when I started to change. I was writing on demand for anyone that wanted. I was writing for someone to like it. I started writing because it was my escape and it kept me calm. It just so happened that people liked my recorded thoughts. It can still happen that way (even though I missed out on making many hilarious posts because of that change).

Since I have decided that it’s back to posting my thoughts, here is what I am mulling over:

How do you keep calm when everyone around you seems to be moving faster on their escalators than you are on yours?

  • Truth is, it is hard. It’s a constant reminder that their destination is not yours.
  • I have remind myself that their circumstance or situation is not the same as mine. I have to reassure myself of those things to keep calm and focused on the goal.
  • It could also be that they are more prepared for their reward than I am. I can definitely think of one goal that I want but don’t want while I’m not prepared to receive it.
  • It could also be that they aren’t on their way to goal they had set or to any goal at all. They good very well just be going.

Blinders need to be put on for 2017 because I don’t want anyone’s seeming ‘busyness’ make me lose sight of what I am working towards.

Alright.

Nap time then back to work. (I have my fingers crossed that the second half of that statement works out).

BTW, have you heard Letoya Luckett’s Back 2 Life song? You should listen and watch the video.

Super(?) Girl

I’m Super Girl 

And I’m here to save the world

And I wanna know

Who’s gonna save me?

(And I wanna know why I feel so alone)

 

Super Girl – Krystal Harris (take a listen… a real listen)

 

I don’t think a song has ever, so accurately, described my feelings.

My current situation has me feeling all kinds of alone and frustrated and a little sad (maybe more than a little).

Just today I was thinking (today isn’t the first but today the  thought was really serious) that every time my friends are going through something, I am always the one offering help and trying to ensure everybody is ok. YET, whenever I am the one going through something (like the situation I am going through now) there is no one going out of their way or breaking their necks to ensure that I am ok. Why? huh, Why?

Lets just say that I am in a very uncomfortable situation and I NEED to get out of it. For better positioning of your mind, no, I did not put myself in this position. Let’s examine 4 case studies. After I shared the situation with some friends and one discovered it with me, here were the responses:

  1. One friend said they would check back on me and see how I’d be doing. At the moment of writing this post (published immediately after) it has been exactly 8 days and I have not heard a peep back from the friend.
  2. Another friend took all of an entire week before responding to me and don’t talk about busy. If this friend wants to contact me, nothing stops her. NOTHING. Not once did she ask about my discomfort or safety (just if anything was stolen).
  3. Another friend missed her two self-set deadlines regarding getting information to me that could help me get out of this situation. At the  time of this post being written and published, I cannot get through to her to give her an update. Maybe she thinks I’m calling about what she voluntarily promised me.
  4. Now this friend is in a category all to himself. I wonder if I should even refer to him as a friend. Now this person is similar to me in a few aspects but so very different. I will say that this friend tried to help but was asking all of the wrong questions and really never satisfied a need. This friend actually couldn’t understand what the problem was and as such this created a mental barrier in my head against them (sorry). Being that they couldn’t understand the discomfort, I was left in the situation.

*NB. These are the same friends who would never let me celebrate a birthday alone. Now, had any of them (minus number 4 because they have never needed anyone for anything and I have said this to them before) been in the situation I am in, I would be the one sacrificing to make sure they are safe and ok. I would even go to the extent of breaking rules to ensure that they are a little more comfortable, that they have someone they can vent to, that they have a shoulder to cry on and just let is all out. Because, sometimes, life gets a little overwhelming.

 

But I have long time known and accepted that people don’t really care. They will ask you ‘how are you?’ out of manners or custom but really don’t want to hear anything but ‘I’m ok/ I’m good/ I’m fine, thanks’. Nobody wants to hear about another person’s problems. NOBODY. Even when they ask, they hope you spare the details and don’t talk about it for too long because they have their own “fish to fry”.

This is very unfortunate and it shouldn’t be the way it is. No one person can be that self sufficient to not need another person to lean on even if only momentarily. Apparently, my friends see me as that person. That person that always has a solution to every problem. That person whose problems are never bigger than them. That person who is tough. That person who will get through it. That person who will be fine. I think every time I have an issue they say “Charnele? She’ll be fine. She’s tough.”

I am not that person. Yes, I have been raised to be able to do certain things for myself but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like some help. And because I am treated like this, track record will show that I handle things almost always by myself. That’s the problem with being the strong person. No one seems to know that sometimes it gets to hard for you to handle it alone. No one knows how you cry over certain things. No one knows when you are truly unhappy.

Throughout this whole ordeal, the only two persons that related to my shock and discomfort and cared for my safety was my mother and a cousin I told. And to think I didn’t want to tell my mother because I didn’t want her to worry. I did anyway, after analysing all I just said. I just wanted my mother. She was hundreds of thousands of miles away though. She would get me and she did. I guess what they say is true ‘at the end of the day, family is all you’ve got’.

 

 

Still, how am I going to continue being Super Girl, saving the world if I still have to ask “Who’s gonna save me?

Why Can’t Men Do Right?

Hold on!

Don’t come at me just yet, defending your men and what-not. Just hear me out real quick.

 

I was just recently catching myself up on Scandal’s Season 5 episodes and episode 15 – Pencil’s Down, had me a certain kind of way. Now Shonda has always had a way of taking viewers on a roller coaster ride of emotions for the 42 minute duration of her TV shows. I just didn’t expect this ‘wham-bam-thank-you-mam’ quick thing after that period of calm.

I am making reference to the short-lived but sweet little romance that was forcibly planted between Attorney General. David Rosen and Vice President, Susan Ross. In a matter of few minutes I found out they were in love then their ‘thing’ ended the same time.

I felt all the feels in the world when Susan asked David if he was cheating and after denying it and saying how he wanted only her, she leapt into his arms before he could complete his statement. I felt everything she was feeling. The reassurance, the comfort, the safety.

When David stood up to Elizabeth and told her that it (the “nasty” [David’s word, not mine.] affair) had to end. I felt proud of him. I felt that he finally realized the value of what he had in Susan. He should have stood up to Elizabeth simply because she emasculates him.

When Susan got a bit of advice from the President then breaks it off with David, her words and just the manner in which she did it conveyed a familiar feeling to me. Her heart was broken, she felt deceived and had already retreated to a place where she was before – focus on self and trust no man. Unfortunately, that meant taking up an old, bad habit.

Now to the meat. When David said “For what its worth, its over. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I didn’t want to cheat anymore. The thought of losing you, it made me sick to my stomach, so I ended it. I’m yours Susan. I love you. I love only you.” Susan’s look was LIFE to me! Because all I was thinking was what she must have been thinking. Having been in her position (not Vice President, lol) before, I know what that must feel like. I don’t want a man that realizes that I am worth being faithful to after he has already had his fill with cheating. I want a man who sees me as that valuable to protect what I had entrusted to him; my heart. Why would I settle for a man that cannot realise that?

Majority of the relationships I have been ended because of that same thing. Now I have decided that it is way better and my time is better spent valuing myself and doing what I want than to settle for a man who will do me dirtier than I could do myself. I just want to know why is it that men cannot value women till they are at risk of losing them? Why can’t men be satisfied with what they have? or at least content! Or better yet, why do men even bother to take the hearts of women they have no serious intentions for?

When a woman is betrayed in that kind of way, scars are left behind. Those scars will plague her and her next relationship. It hinders her being open to men because she doesn’t want that to happen again and she doesn’t know who will do that to her again.

What do you think ladies and gents?

 

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Update Update and…..you guessed it

Hey guys!

My last post made mention of an upcoming move.

Well now I have. I have officially moved! And Lord, was it a challenge!

I had planned to move from around 9 am. Turns out the landlady couldn’t accommodate me moving at that time. Fine. I could work around that BUT then my ride was not available for any time after that we had initially planned. I didn’t move till after 3pm.

That put a dent in my plans to go do some shopping downtown. (Yh mi go shapn dung town. So wah?) By this hour the rush hour traffic was coming along and I was not about to sit in it. I ended up going to a little pricier area and didn’t get everything I needed, just necessities for the night.

So far, I just started to get some sleep only due to the fact of trying to get home earlier and going straight to bed. For the first few nights, sleep evaded me. I could hear everything; water running, dogs barking, cricket chirping, music up the road, a pin drop. Everything! Plus the heat was too much. I’m dealing with those things and slowly getting everything into place for my comfort.

 

While I’ve been coordinating that, something has been laid as a foundation to build on. I got certified by Lyric Rochester International as a makeup artist. Working with Lyric, The Jamaican Makeup Artist was amazing. I left with a wealth of knowledge and a support system, an absolutely wonderful brush set, lashes and amazing mua friends that I still keep in touch with almost daily.

I created a new instagram page to showcase my work. Its Faced2Face. Follow the page for my makeup updates, tips and tricks and looks I do. You can also use that as a hashtag to follow as well #Faced2Face.

I am still extremely busy with work as retail and marketing often get fast paced at this time of the year. I’m still above the water breathing and will make it soundly out of 2015 and into 2016 with God and all of you!

 

Can’t wait for the future to unveil. Can you?

And by the way…I just got something in the mail…and they fit so well! 🙂20151204_142039[1]

Thoughts on a Pillow….

I really am sad. I just came to that realization today. I am trying to be fine without a part of me I had had for so long and accepted as mine. While change is inevitable and we all do to survive, all my heart is really aching for is the familiarity it once had. The change was sudden. The change is permanent. A gap is left to be filled. So while the world carries on because it cares not abut the troubles of one small girl, A brave face must be put on. But how long can that hold up before the tears come through? Things can never go back to the way they were. History never rewinds, it only repeats itself. And that small truth is not enough to cover this loss. To accept the irreversible and move on with life while I still have it, Is what I must do But will I ever be able to find happiness again?

Intimidation – Perceived as Competition or Completion

I recently found myself in a position that I cannot recall previously being in….well not from the perspective I was in this moment.

I can hardly remember meeting a guy who intimidated me. I have met countless women who, for one reason or another, intimidated me. Men who intentionally try to intimidate me, achieve something completely different. They ignite annoyance and anger. However, many of the occasions in which intimidation occurred/occurs (whether I am concerned or not) happens unintentionally. Sharon Day of Sales Activation Group nicely lists some ways in which we are perceived as intimidating. Here are a few:

-Using industry or company jargon and acronyms that aren’t widely known or recognized.

-Using technical data or an excessive amount of numbers and calculations and then insisting on including and poring over all of the information in a presentation.

-When we speak above our audience, using big words when little words will do – communication only occurs when the other person understands what we’ve said.

-When we throw titles around.  Although we may be proud of our accomplishments, people do business with people, not titles.

– When we emit swagger.  Only swagger resulting from confidence is appealing; swagger born from arrogance is a turn-off; standing tall while remaining humble is best.

While her standpoint is business oriented, it is very true to human social relations nonetheless. I confess, after reading this, I may have very well intimidated a person or two while doing my job. It is not my intention…but what just dawned on me that it may be a subconscious act seeing how I was INTENTIONALLY intimidated by persons who had knowledge and experience with what I was just learning as a newbie.

But back to the real matter at hand. I found (I could say “/find” as this is ongoing but let’s not get into the technicalities of that because you very well be reading this in 2097 when I would no longer be around and going through this with the same man. So let’s just say I am referring to the very moment I realized what I was dealing with. I digress) myself intimidated by a man. To set context, this is a man I am attracted to and really like. I have definitely been in this situation before but as the one being intimidating. I sometimes do that just to see if the person will back down or prove that I don’t scare them and they can handle me. In those situations I am intentionally intimidating someone but this is not the same. I do not get the impression that this man is trying to intimidate me. If anything, it is the opposite. He has been nothing but a positive influence (for the most part) in my life.

So after really thinking hard about the situation my response can either be fight or flight; fight not necessarily being force or resistance but just dealing with it. The very thing about him that intimidates me, attracts me as well. This lead me to think that probably, the subconscious mind is leading me towards the very things I lack and fear, in an effort to make me a more rounded person. They say opposites attract….this can be argued either way with valid points but only time will tell what will come of this man now being in my life and I in his.

What do you think? Is his intimidation a way of competing with me and is my attraction to it a search for completeness?

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What does it really mean to be healthy?

I recently had a check up done by a doctor.

After checking all my vitals and urine sample et al. he said to me. “Wow, you are very healthy. Keep doing what you are doing.”

It was after this that he asked “Do you exercise?” the answer to which was “no”….going against his advice, I will not be keeping that up.

But despite all that my tests results show, I don’t feel healthy.

Not physically.

Not mentally.

What is health? What does good health mean? Medical …
  1. Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”     The Definition has not been amended since 1948. Sep 26, 2014

That is the definition that I will be working with.

This therefore means that Dr. Good looking-married man-with the Latin surname-dishing out complements made a wrong diagnosis. I don’t feel completely physically fine. I certainly don’t feel completely mentally fine and my social well-being…what is that?

Well, according to what Yahoo Answers says, my social well-being is not in a state of completeness.

You know how they say the mind has a lot to do with the physical? Well its true. When I say I am going to have a good/great day, it doesn’t mean everything is going to go right but I have noticed that my day is/was a good one. Same goes for when I say they day s going to be horrible. I have been trying to see if this principle transcends into the realm of health – no verdict in as yet.

Dude! Did you notice the definition above makes no mention of spiritual well-being? Why doesn’t it? (I actually want an answer to this question) And don’t tell me it was in an effort to remain neutral and to not offend. The number of people who believe in a higher being or power greatly outnumbers that of those who do not. And (partially) as such, I believe it is important and should be included in the definition. It strikes a balance in all aspects of things that makes one feel at peace in and with one’s self.

But my intention is not to debate a definition (Still answer my question, though!). I just wanted to state that I am not healthy. I don’t feel healthy even though I may look it. The part that is worse than knowing you are not healthy is really feeling like there is nothing you can do in all unhealthy parts of your life to make everything a-ok again.

How did I get here? How did I just let myself go like this? I’ve always felt that these are questions overweight people ask themselves and here I am battling with them too.

What is good healthy to you and do you think you have it?

 

 

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Paradigm Shift or Nah?

Are we on the verge of a paradigm shift or are we trying to avoid one?

A paradigm shift happens when agents of change catalyse the change they want to occur. A change in world view is never something that everyone will agree on and want at the time it happens.

The world, as is, seems to be revolving around (now thwarting away from) the idea of global economic dominance belonging to those countries that seem or proclaim to be better off. On top of that, the purist mentality, as it relates to intimate relationships, is becoming more and more relaxed. Albeit a difficult journey through time, for some countries or groups within countries, the change seems to be happening.

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS
HAVING A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE
WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS
HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE

The wars in the Middle East are not going to stop any time soon simply because the great United States of America and the Arab Emirates have thrown their support behind Syria in fighting against ISIS. Not all forms of violence should be supported but what if this is the way to lead to a new view? *I am full aware of the fact that if ISIS came across me, I’d be no more but that is beside my point. Change doesn’t happen overnight and these kinds of wars didn’t begin yesterday.

What could be the end result of this? Possibly one monotheistic religion to govern us all; the ‘unlearning’ of religious tolerance, duplicity and coexistence.

Fundamentalist purists would have the world remain the way they say it should be: The importance/dominance of the Nuclear Family above all other forms and above whatever perversion we may call love and attraction. With that being said and many fundamentalist thinkers still being around, one cannot deny that there is another struggle going on in the world. The nuclear family is no longer being seen as the only unit to produce families and functional little human beings. Interracial couples are everywhere. They are fearless. After all, love doesn’t see skin colour. The increase of single parent families and extended families would mark the beginning of the of this paradigm shift and the increased boldness and demands for acceptance of homosexuals, their lifestyle and same-sex family unit, could be seen as the midst or end of the shift (I would say the former). As it relates to interracial couples, I honestly think  some good scientific research could come from this. Same sex families raise children, some of whom are quite fine and functional in society and, if I may add, heterosexual. Pride parades are gaining more support, more persons are taking the step of ‘coming out of the closet’, women are becoming more independent in child-rearing, fathers (yes, not a typo) are willing to raise children on their own. Not everyone agrees to these things even though they accept the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and choices.

What could be the end result of this? Population control for one! The widespread learning of sexual tolerance/acceptance; the eradication of not just homosexuals but everyone who is sexually adventurous; either the creation of more races or the eradication of several.

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