Last night I witnessed one of my longest (oldest?) friends get married. It was beautiful through and through.
It was great fun and sort of a mini reunion for us gals that went to high school together. We joined the bride and groom on the dance floor and we danced away. We weren’t short on laughter and fun that night. There was happiness all around and I truly felt happy to see so many persons my age happy with their ‘person’.
The night ended and my ride got me and dropped me home and it sunk in. All my friends are happy in relationships, making the next step of marriage and starting a family and here I am…alone. If on any night I didn’t want to be alone it was this night. But I was and I stayed that way. I cried a little, because my mind went there. My mind went to counting the number of my friends that are married, engaged, in a relationship, new parents and happy. What was my issue? Why didn’t any of my long term relationships work? Why can’t I meet a guy that’s on the same page as me? Why can’t I have that? (And by that I don’t mean the wedding). I never like having too long of a pity party so I eventually just fell asleep.
I woke up this morning with the same feeling. Then I decided to go on social media. That is always the worst decision to make when in a mood like this. Believe me when I say EVERYBODY AND DEM MODDA WAS CELEBRATING ANNIVERSARIES, MARRIAGES AND LOVE. Everybody. Like I was being taunted.
I’m not actually looking forward to a wedding. I never have. Never dreamt of that as a child. I have no idea what I want my dress to look like or my color scheme or a theme or location. NOTHING. All I’ve ever dreamed about was sharing my life with someone that loves me for me, loves me genuinely, is honest and faithful and someone I can build a life and family with. I’ve only ever dreamed of my partner and how awesome our lives will be. And that’s the part that matters. The person, not the moment.
In college I felt my biological clock ticking. I wanted to have a baby so bad. That baby-fever is a real thing. I no longer feel that. I told myself I wanted to have my children by the age of 30 but I want to get married before that. I also would prefer if I knew my spouse for years prior to us getting married. Well, the clock’s a-ticking and time is running out.
That’s a timeline I gave myself that doesn’t seem to be working out. Last night a friend of mine who was also present at the wedding said she thinks it’s just gonna surprise me. Just creep up on me. I sure do hope so. Because this is borderline depressing.
While I acknowledge that marriage isn’t for everyone I sure hope God thinks it’s for me because the only thing I don’t want in life is to be alone and I love to love. (Sometimes it hurts to be that way)
He left without so much as a kiss on the cheek. No ‘I love you’. No ‘have a nice day’.
He was silent over his morning coffee and didn’t sleep well last night. This is not like him.
I refuse to believe that that tucked-away thought is my reality. All men cheat but I was hoping mine didn’t. I was hoping that I would be good enough, or simply enough; enough to satisfy him.
I don’t want to believe that a paper-pusher across town has sunk her claws into my husband. I could never accept that, whether it is true or not. I could never accept that after years of being a faithful loving wife and giving my all, my husband who vowed “till death do us part” could become emotionally and/or physically involved with another woman. Never!
It was nearing noon and I called his office to let him know I was thinking of him and that I love him. His perky young secretary kindly let me know that he was out on lunch. Calls to his cell phone went unanswered.
My mind began to over think as usual and now I am convinced he is having an affair. There was makeup on his shirt last month and a few weeks ago he came home smelling different. How could he do this to me? How could he hurt me this way? He might as well kill me.
Benjamin came home that night and was particularly quiet. He had something on his mind. Her perhaps. Was she the first? Is she the only one? How long has this been going on?
I made his favourite dinner and kept telling him how much I loved him. He didn’t seem to notice any of it. In bed, I told him that I felt as though there was some distance between us. He asked what I was talking about. He doesn’t see anything being different. He held me. Kissed me on the forehead and fell asleep with his arms around me. He had a bad dream that night.
He left for work earlier that day after a strange phone call. I couldn’t tell who was on the other line or what the call was about. I decided to follow him.
On the way, he passed his turn-off for work. My heart sank. He drove for 10 minutes into town and stopped on a busy street. Once out of the car he crossed the road and entered a place we had never been and he said he would never go. Through the glass window of the bakery I saw a woman rise to greet him. He kissed her on the cheek and then sat. My heart broke.
I drove home. I didn’t cry. Not until I entered the kitchen and saw the breakfast items I had laid out to make my husband breakfast. I fell to the floor, shattered. In my brokenness it all made sense. This woman’s make up was on his shirt. He came home smelling like her. We had not had sex in a week! I know that last bit sounds silly but you don’t know my husband. You don’t know me. You don’t know us.
The only thing that didn’t make sense was how I was going to handle this. I didn’t know what to do. It hurt too much. How would I let him know I knew of this affair? How would he react? What was going to happen to our marriage? It was just too much to handle and think about.
I went back to my routine but this time I made breakfast earlier so he had no excuse to not eat it. I dressed sexier so he would find me attractive again. I did all the things I knew he liked. But all that got me was a kiss on the cheek, “I love you, have a great day” and “I’m not hungry”.
This went on for three weeks and he kept coming home later and later. He was always too tired for sex and was very careful of what he would say to me. I was so broken and drained I felt betrayed and that life was not worth living any more. I was existing.
Then he called one evening telling me to get dressed, he had something he wanted to tell and show me. Good Lord! He was going to tell me of his affair in the presence of his mistress!? What had my life come to? I got dressed and he picked me up. He told me nothing about where we were going and did his nervous finger tap the entire journey there.
He stopped the car the same place he did when I had followed him weeks earlier.
“Look, Benjamin, I have something to say to you.”
“Can it wait? This is really important and I have to show you.”
I bit my lips and followed him to what I knew would be the end of my sanity and life. The bakery was dark as we crossed the road and approached it. He had a key for the door and as be opened it he began his soliloquy.
“When I married you, I told myself I would do anything to keep you happy. I know things have not been going great lately and I noticed that you have been sad a lot. What is even worse was that I couldn’t seem to make you happy any more.”
“Benjamin, I know…”
“Let me finish. You said I have been distant lately and that’s true. I have had a lot on my mind recently and I may have lost sight of my priorities. I forgot a lot of promises I made to you and concerning you but..”
Then he switched the lights on “… I hope this makes it up to you.”
And there it was. A spotless, empty shop space with fresh paint.
“What is this?”
“Remember how determined you were to open your own diner after you had quit your job last year? I saw how hard you took it when nothing seemed to be working out. When I heard that this place was going on the market I knew I had to get it for you so I got the money together, made a bid and got it. I even got some of the fixtures that you like for the kitchen. Catherine, it’s all yours. I just want you to be happy and that dream of having a diner made you happy.”
I stood there just shaking my head while looking at him. Then I grabbed him and hugged him. I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place; his big heart and the fact that he is always so kind.
“Thank you so much Ben. Honey, I have something to say. I was suspicious and followed you here a few weeks ago and I saw you with another woman. I thought you were cheating on me.”
“You followed me? What?“
“I know. I’m sorry. I just felt so insecure after the way things have been between us lately.”
“Catherine, I came here to buy the place. I’ve been here after work getting it cleaned and put together for you. I would never cheat on you, love.”
“I know, but what about the makeup on your shirt?”
“Sweetheart, that was your makeup, from our quickie in the kitchen. I accidentally wore the shirt another day forgetting it was soiled.”
“So this is what had you so distant? You weren’t cheating?”
“I feel like such an idiot. I’m sorry.”
“Never. Just know that everything I do, it is for you and you alone. I love you.”
He was still the wonderful man I fell in love with and married. And so, I learned my suspicions are not always right.
I dedicate this post to the beautiful girl (I mean gorgeous woman) that told me black women show never be afraid of wearing read lips.
Congratulations on your marriage Gabrielle. I am so happy for you!
While I did not buy a red lipstick on this trip I did spot one bold one and will be back to get it. I found two colours that I liked and decided to take home to try. These are drug store (pharmacy) brands cause a girl ain’t got money to be spending on a name!
This colour is Purple by Santee Juicy Lips.
I love the fact that this smells like bubble gum.
I don’t like that it is so glossy. It almost feels oily but I guess that just means no top gloss will be needed.
I also do not like that it takes several coats to build up to a visible purple.
I like the fact that it takes just two swipes and its on.
It has some shimmer which I had not bargained for but can live with.
I also like the way it looks. It almost has that everyday-wear-ability look to it .
Which colour is your favourite? And what do you think I should try next?
By the way, are you liking the new hair?
In recent times I have been asked on countless occasions ‘Yuh nah get married?’ or ‘When are you getting married?’ Right now, that question along with ‘So where you working now?’ are the most annoying things that I can be asked.
I don’t like being asked when I am going to get married because it seems too much like my marriage is a goal in your life. What if I should decide not to get married? Will you be devastated? Whose life am I living?
For a while, everyone around me and the females I went to school with were all getting pregnant and I was just over here in my corner like ‘no rush’. Now everyone around me is getting married and I am still in my corner but this time I’m like ‘to each his own’.
My stance on the matter these days is that I think
I feel like everyone is getting married for the wrong reasons
Too many persons are getting married because others want them to. Too many persons are getting married because they want to have children in wedlock. The bottom line is that couples are getting married to please others and not themselves. That’s not me! I am not a people pleaser. So much so that when in high school I overheard that I was supposed to marry (nothing less than) a lawyer or doctor I developed a dislike for those guys and even when I met them at university I was never seriously attracted to any (with valid reasons). Where I am from its a tradition to take home your ‘betrothed’ for approval from the family and church for doting and fawning. I’m not up for that. I can guarantee that the person I find that makes me happy will not please all of the above for their purposes and I refuse to find someone for them and not for myself. Too stressful man!
Church folks discriminate
Now this is where I know I’ll get a lot of flak. The church in which I grew up has (unintentionally??) conditioned our minds to believe that persons outside of the church should be avoided unless you are witnessing to them. As a matter of fact, that is all you should ever do with them. So at work, in the supermarket, walking the street…once you have to interact, preach. If you even become involved with someone outside of the church you are doomed and on a path to hell. I don’t believe it is so. Not every non-Christian person is the devil’s spawn. I have done my looking around the church and NO I have not seen anyone I would even consider a relationship with much more marriage to. Aren’t there good men elsewhere?
I have a hard-to-please family
I have known this for a long time. Not everyone in my family is but several of them are critics. They do not stop to consider conditions that may lead to situations, they just criticise everything. Do something they don’t like and you will never hear the end of it. I have an aunt that is upset that I studied what I love instead of law in college (like she was gonna pay my tuition!) If I bring home someone they don’t like, they will not be bashful and hide it. I can’t be bothered with that. Same thing goes for the church folks. Is it awful to say I am waiting on some persons’ expiration date?
I like my space
I like my alone time and lots of it. I don’t like being disturbed when I am in my zone. I also do not like being in people’s personal space for too long because I then feel like I am being a menace to them (even if I am not). For this reason my family could classify me as a hermit. Until I find someone that I can be comfortable enough with to move past the ‘dismissal point’ and feel as if I can’t bear to be away from them, then maybe I will consider marriage to that person.
I like giving people their space
I can only be in someone else’s personal space for so long before I begin to feel like I have overstayed my welcome and I am being a bother to them. At the first signs of that, I am ready to flee. For this reason I always leave before that happens. Until I can find someone who can tolerate that or not show their annoyance…
It’s not for everyone
There are some things that are just not for everyone. I have been recently tossing about the thought in my mind that happiness is not for everyone. BUT back to the matter…marriage is not for everyone. I believe that. What if I am one of those persons that it isn’t for?
In conclusion, to answer your question I would say, ‘I don’t know. Who says its for me?’
…Unu gwaan! Mi a go elope.
I was recently browsing the Jamaica Observer website and came across a wedding feature. I usually go by the article title and pictures of the wedding to decide if it is worth my read.
All I can remember is that the couple’s surname is Darby. From the pictures of this fairly young-looking couple I realized that they had already had two children both of whom took part in the wedding ceremony.
Two children? It took two children before the man realized he wanted to marry her? It took two children for her to ‘hol’ him’?
I’m sorry. I’m not saying that this couldn’t happen to me. I’m just saying that one child might slip through the cracks, yes, but two from my loins before marriage would be a shame. I don’t want to be nobody’s baby momma. I have already proclaimed myself to be wife. And while a child doesn’t ‘hol’ a man, mine better know that nothing is happening till I know that he is a ‘ride or die that aint leaving to go nowhere’.
I just believe that IF you want marriage and a family…let the marriage happen first. If you just want the family…I’ll but out.