“He was just a stranger with a drink. Till he spoke. Then he became an experience I wanted to have. Once, perhaps. That should be enough” she said.
“Hmm. What exactly did he say? What did you two talk about?” asked the therapist.
“It’s not so much what he said but how he said it” she tried to explain. “He spoke with such confidence. He commanded attention without raising his voice. That sexy voice of his. It’s like chocolate- he’s like chocolate. You just want to lick it.”
“So his voice is what attracted you to him then?” a valid question.
“That paired with his look. He had these eyes…I don’t want to say dreamy but they make you want to know what’s behind them. And when he smiles and they get even smaller, gosh it’s just an overall gorgeous look.” Smiling and biting her lips at the same time, the recliner transported her down memory lane.
“I knew he was taken but I just wanted to have some fun. After all, I’ve never seen a tree I wanted to climb and didn’t. I told him I wanted him and he was ok with the suggestion. So we had sex.”
“His voice drew you into bed with him? Is that what I am getting?”
“Ummm. I don’t know. Maybe because physically he’s different from what I normally go for but his different it good. He felt different and newness was sweet. He was sweet. I liked the feel and taste of his skin. I liked the fact that I didn’t have to say anything or ask anything. I like the fact that he just did it. I liked the fact that he didn’t ask me to do anything I didn’t want to simply because he wanted me to. I liked the fact that he made it easy to feel right. I looked past some things I shouldn’t have because after all I just wanted one thing and then I’d be gone but…I liked the sex more than I thought I would. I liked the feel of his body more than I thought I would and it happened again. I broke my rules with this man and when I said I’d had enough I let his voice and eyes pull me back. And ooooh, he’s so refreshing in bed.”
“Though I don’t condone messing around with men already involved in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with an occasional tussle between two consenting adults. This is probably what you needed, Ava” said the therapist, stilling trying to figure out the purpose of the session.
“You don’t get it do you? I developed feelings for this man. I wanted one like him for myself because I knew I couldn’t have him. I really liked him till I saw the family portrait in his wallet. He’s your husband, Carmen.”
In my line of work I come across many people on a daily basis. I also get hit on by many men. Unfortunately these men always fall in the category of kruffs/cruffs. I want nothing to do with these men outside of work interaction.
I’ve tried once (once is enough for me) and I was annoyed beyond belief with the guy. So I just had it in my head that I’d only meet kruffs and annoying men on the job.
A few months ago I met this man (on the job) and had an easy flowing, fun conversation with him. When he asked for my number I declined. I didn’t want to be annoyed again. Sometime after I thought of him and regretted not exchanging contacts. I knew we’d probably never see each other again.
A little over a month of meeting this man, I saw him again. Same organic feel to our conversation, riddled with laughter. Still we did not exchange contacts.
Another time he spotted me walking while he was passing in traffic. He pulled over to give me a quick hail 😊
The following week he walked into the store we had met and the same thing happened again with the exception of a hug and the exchanging of contacts (finally).
After a week of little communication we are now at today. I stepped out of my taxi to enter the community I live in and who do I see walking out? The same guy of course!
ALL THIS TIME. All this time we lived so close? (By all this time I mean two months because I’d only been living there for two months.)
So maybe I would’ve met up with him again either way. For now I’m just enjoying the laughs and expecting nothing.
Last night I witnessed one of my longest (oldest?) friends get married. It was beautiful through and through.
It was great fun and sort of a mini reunion for us gals that went to high school together. We joined the bride and groom on the dance floor and we danced away. We weren’t short on laughter and fun that night. There was happiness all around and I truly felt happy to see so many persons my age happy with their ‘person’.
The night ended and my ride got me and dropped me home and it sunk in. All my friends are happy in relationships, making the next step of marriage and starting a family and here I am…alone. If on any night I didn’t want to be alone it was this night. But I was and I stayed that way. I cried a little, because my mind went there. My mind went to counting the number of my friends that are married, engaged, in a relationship, new parents and happy. What was my issue? Why didn’t any of my long term relationships work? Why can’t I meet a guy that’s on the same page as me? Why can’t I have that? (And by that I don’t mean the wedding). I never like having too long of a pity party so I eventually just fell asleep.
I woke up this morning with the same feeling. Then I decided to go on social media. That is always the worst decision to make when in a mood like this. Believe me when I say EVERYBODY AND DEM MODDA WAS CELEBRATING ANNIVERSARIES, MARRIAGES AND LOVE. Everybody. Like I was being taunted.
I’m not actually looking forward to a wedding. I never have. Never dreamt of that as a child. I have no idea what I want my dress to look like or my color scheme or a theme or location. NOTHING. All I’ve ever dreamed about was sharing my life with someone that loves me for me, loves me genuinely, is honest and faithful and someone I can build a life and family with. I’ve only ever dreamed of my partner and how awesome our lives will be. And that’s the part that matters. The person, not the moment.
In college I felt my biological clock ticking. I wanted to have a baby so bad. That baby-fever is a real thing. I no longer feel that. I told myself I wanted to have my children by the age of 30 but I want to get married before that. I also would prefer if I knew my spouse for years prior to us getting married. Well, the clock’s a-ticking and time is running out.
That’s a timeline I gave myself that doesn’t seem to be working out. Last night a friend of mine who was also present at the wedding said she thinks it’s just gonna surprise me. Just creep up on me. I sure do hope so. Because this is borderline depressing.
While I acknowledge that marriage isn’t for everyone I sure hope God thinks it’s for me because the only thing I don’t want in life is to be alone and I love to love. (Sometimes it hurts to be that way)
I’m the kind of person that likes their alone time. I’ve been like that ever since a child. As a child I also craved human interaction and just always wanted a friend around.
Here I am a single adult, living life on my own, enjoying my solitude. I never thought I’d enjoy it this much. I always said that as much as I love my alone time I could never live alone. I’d go crazy. But these last few days that’s all I’ve wanted when I got home. To be alone. No voices. No conversation. Directing my own thoughts. Doing what I want at my pace. IT’S SOOOOOO RELAXING. So nice.
So here’s what my night looks like and I’m quite pleased with it too.
What unexpected things are making you happy?
I’m Super Girl
And I’m here to save the world
And I wanna know
Who’s gonna save me?
(And I wanna know why I feel so alone)
I don’t think a song has ever, so accurately, described my feelings.
My current situation has me feeling all kinds of alone and frustrated and a little sad (maybe more than a little).
Just today I was thinking (today isn’t the first but today the thought was really serious) that every time my friends are going through something, I am always the one offering help and trying to ensure everybody is ok. YET, whenever I am the one going through something (like the situation I am going through now) there is no one going out of their way or breaking their necks to ensure that I am ok. Why? huh, Why?
Lets just say that I am in a very uncomfortable situation and I NEED to get out of it. For better positioning of your mind, no, I did not put myself in this position. Let’s examine 4 case studies. After I shared the situation with some friends and one discovered it with me, here were the responses:
- One friend said they would check back on me and see how I’d be doing. At the moment of writing this post (published immediately after) it has been exactly 8 days and I have not heard a peep back from the friend.
- Another friend took all of an entire week before responding to me and don’t talk about busy. If this friend wants to contact me, nothing stops her. NOTHING. Not once did she ask about my discomfort or safety (just if anything was stolen).
- Another friend missed her two self-set deadlines regarding getting information to me that could help me get out of this situation. At the time of this post being written and published, I cannot get through to her to give her an update. Maybe she thinks I’m calling about what she voluntarily promised me.
- Now this friend is in a category all to himself. I wonder if I should even refer to him as a friend. Now this person is similar to me in a few aspects but so very different. I will say that this friend tried to help but was asking all of the wrong questions and really never satisfied a need. This friend actually couldn’t understand what the problem was and as such this created a mental barrier in my head against them (sorry). Being that they couldn’t understand the discomfort, I was left in the situation.
*NB. These are the same friends who would never let me celebrate a birthday alone. Now, had any of them (minus number 4 because they have never needed anyone for anything and I have said this to them before) been in the situation I am in, I would be the one sacrificing to make sure they are safe and ok. I would even go to the extent of breaking rules to ensure that they are a little more comfortable, that they have someone they can vent to, that they have a shoulder to cry on and just let is all out. Because, sometimes, life gets a little overwhelming.
But I have long time known and accepted that people don’t really care. They will ask you ‘how are you?’ out of manners or custom but really don’t want to hear anything but ‘I’m ok/ I’m good/ I’m fine, thanks’. Nobody wants to hear about another person’s problems. NOBODY. Even when they ask, they hope you spare the details and don’t talk about it for too long because they have their own “fish to fry”.
This is very unfortunate and it shouldn’t be the way it is. No one person can be that self sufficient to not need another person to lean on even if only momentarily. Apparently, my friends see me as that person. That person that always has a solution to every problem. That person whose problems are never bigger than them. That person who is tough. That person who will get through it. That person who will be fine. I think every time I have an issue they say “Charnele? She’ll be fine. She’s tough.”
I am not that person. Yes, I have been raised to be able to do certain things for myself but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like some help. And because I am treated like this, track record will show that I handle things almost always by myself. That’s the problem with being the strong person. No one seems to know that sometimes it gets to hard for you to handle it alone. No one knows how you cry over certain things. No one knows when you are truly unhappy.
Throughout this whole ordeal, the only two persons that related to my shock and discomfort and cared for my safety was my mother and a cousin I told. And to think I didn’t want to tell my mother because I didn’t want her to worry. I did anyway, after analysing all I just said. I just wanted my mother. She was hundreds of thousands of miles away though. She would get me and she did. I guess what they say is true ‘at the end of the day, family is all you’ve got’.
Still, how am I going to continue being Super Girl, saving the world if I still have to ask “Who’s gonna save me?“
Not an ex just in case your mind went there.
I know what category he falls in in my life and I don’t want to admit it.
I don’t think it was meant to be anything but to me it became something.
It’s another case of ‘it meant more to one’. I was aware that it was becoming something I probably couldn’t do without. I couldn’t stop it. We talked about it and he, being true to himself, looked at it rationally. Said the cons outweighed the pros – the cons, by the way, haven’t been fully disclosed to me.
I accepted it, for the 5 minutes I knew I would.
I tried distancing myself to get some control of the inevitable. I don’t know what sense that made because we still ended up together and I ended up further down the rabbit hole each time.
I got annoyed, uncomfortable and dissatisfied with the current situation. I wanted more. I couldn’t get it, at least not from him.
I had so much bottled up inside me and the thoughts I had when I was alone made nothing easier. I began to try to reason things out, read into non-existent signals, made my own explanations without consultation.
I got so tired and that last call seemed to confirm one of the things I had convinced myself of about him. I let it out. I just said what was on my mind at that time. Precise and Direct. I felt so relieved just to get it out. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me.
I hung up. That was it. I haven’t heard back from him since. No message, no calls, nothing. But I can’t get him off my mind. He was more than he wanted to be for me.
Now everyday I’m wondering what he’s doing and how he’s spending his days. The likelihood of us running into each other is ridiculously low. So now I just re-read old messages and go online just to see if he’s online too.
We were once able to pick up on each others telepathic messages and I have been calling him so loud but I can’t get an answer. Every time I think of some way to see him or talk to him I talk myself out of it because I don’t want to make a fool of myself and most times my gut feeling is right.
We are both too stubborn and full of pride to be the first one to pick up the phone and send a message to break the silence. But damn, I miss him. The last time I spent with him, we did nothing, barely spoke but it was good. It was good because he was there.
I need him for that.
And its kinda scary to think that maybe he doesn’t need me for that.
Maybe he hates me.
I don’t want to be right.
And just like that she was gone.
By the time I realized it was already too late.
Criticising an individual flaw that sets one apart, is never the best way to point something out.
Don’t ever do it.
Especially when it runs deep and connects to a haunty past of childhood trauma.
For some strange reason, I couldn’t relate. I couldn’t empathize.
God knows that I would take the entire moment back if I could.
How could I claim to love someone then hurt them so bad?
I cant understand it.
Just when things were going great and we had plans for a future…
Like a bomb went off, it all came tumbling down.
My entire life became a shadow.
No light, no hope, no reason.
Of course there are ‘other fish in the sea.’
Please, don’t with the cliches.
Quirks and all, that was MY fish.
Regret is just one of the many emotions I’m feeling right now.
Sad is an understatement.
Unwilling to carry on, is closer to what it really is.
Veering dangerously close to the edge.
When you’ve lost the only person that matters, life becomes unbearable.
Xerophytic without her love.
You’re gone now, so what is left for me to do?
Zig zag through the world until I meet my end.
Don’t come at me just yet, defending your men and what-not. Just hear me out real quick.
I was just recently catching myself up on Scandal’s Season 5 episodes and episode 15 – Pencil’s Down, had me a certain kind of way. Now Shonda has always had a way of taking viewers on a roller coaster ride of emotions for the 42 minute duration of her TV shows. I just didn’t expect this ‘wham-bam-thank-you-mam’ quick thing after that period of calm.
I am making reference to the short-lived but sweet little romance that was forcibly planted between Attorney General. David Rosen and Vice President, Susan Ross. In a matter of few minutes I found out they were in love then their ‘thing’ ended the same time.
I felt all the feels in the world when Susan asked David if he was cheating and after denying it and saying how he wanted only her, she leapt into his arms before he could complete his statement. I felt everything she was feeling. The reassurance, the comfort, the safety.
When David stood up to Elizabeth and told her that it (the “nasty” [David’s word, not mine.] affair) had to end. I felt proud of him. I felt that he finally realized the value of what he had in Susan. He should have stood up to Elizabeth simply because she emasculates him.
When Susan got a bit of advice from the President then breaks it off with David, her words and just the manner in which she did it conveyed a familiar feeling to me. Her heart was broken, she felt deceived and had already retreated to a place where she was before – focus on self and trust no man. Unfortunately, that meant taking up an old, bad habit.
Now to the meat. When David said “For what its worth, its over. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I didn’t want to cheat anymore. The thought of losing you, it made me sick to my stomach, so I ended it. I’m yours Susan. I love you. I love only you.” Susan’s look was LIFE to me! Because all I was thinking was what she must have been thinking. Having been in her position (not Vice President, lol) before, I know what that must feel like. I don’t want a man that realizes that I am worth being faithful to after he has already had his fill with cheating. I want a man who sees me as that valuable to protect what I had entrusted to him; my heart. Why would I settle for a man that cannot realise that?
Majority of the relationships I have been ended because of that same thing. Now I have decided that it is way better and my time is better spent valuing myself and doing what I want than to settle for a man who will do me dirtier than I could do myself. I just want to know why is it that men cannot value women till they are at risk of losing them? Why can’t men be satisfied with what they have? or at least content! Or better yet, why do men even bother to take the hearts of women they have no serious intentions for?
When a woman is betrayed in that kind of way, scars are left behind. Those scars will plague her and her next relationship. It hinders her being open to men because she doesn’t want that to happen again and she doesn’t know who will do that to her again.
What do you think ladies and gents?