Category Archives: Uncategorized

Back To Life, Back To Me.

As I write this, I am sitting around my dining table in my apartment (if it falls under that category of housing) and thinking. Thinking a lot while I munch on food. Things have changed. I have changed. I read two old posts of mine and thought ‘Where is that girl?’. My voice and creativity have changed and are not as pure as they were. I don’t mind change but I do mind when it takes up too much of the space that is reserved for purity and hope. I want to see blogging as extremely fun and satisfying again.

It is not that I have lost that. I started writing not for myself anymore and that is when I started to change. I was writing on demand for anyone that wanted. I was writing for someone to like it. I started writing because it was my escape and it kept me calm. It just so happened that people liked my recorded thoughts. It can still happen that way (even though I missed out on making many hilarious posts because of that change).

Since I have decided that it’s back to posting my thoughts, here is what I am mulling over:

How do you keep calm when everyone around you seems to be moving faster on their escalators than you are on yours?

  • Truth is, it is hard. It’s a constant reminder that their destination is not yours.
  • I have remind myself that their circumstance or situation is not the same as mine. I have to reassure myself of those things to keep calm and focused on the goal.
  • It could also be that they are more prepared for their reward than I am. I can definitely think of one goal that I want but don’t want while I’m not prepared to receive it.
  • It could also be that they aren’t on their way to goal they had set or to any goal at all. They good very well just be going.

Blinders need to be put on for 2017 because I don’t want anyone’s seeming ‘busyness’ make me lose sight of what I am working towards.

Alright.

Nap time then back to work. (I have my fingers crossed that the second half of that statement works out).

BTW, have you heard Letoya Luckett’s Back 2 Life song? You should listen and watch the video.

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You might like being alone

I’m the kind of person that likes their alone time. I’ve been like that ever since a child. As a child I also craved human interaction and just always wanted a friend around.

Here I am a single adult, living life on my own, enjoying my solitude. I never thought I’d enjoy it this much. I always said that as much as I love my alone time I could never live alone. I’d go crazy. But these last few days that’s all I’ve wanted when I got home. To be alone. No voices. No conversation. Directing my own thoughts. Doing what I want at my pace. IT’S SOOOOOO RELAXING. So nice.

So here’s what my night looks like and I’m quite pleased with it too.

What a chill Thursday night looks like

What unexpected things are making you happy?

I Miss Him

Not an ex just in case your mind went there.

I know what category he falls in in my life and I don’t want to admit it.

I don’t think it was meant to be anything but to me it became something.

It’s another case of ‘it meant more to one’. I was aware that it was becoming something I probably couldn’t do without. I couldn’t stop it. We talked about it and he, being true to himself, looked at it rationally. Said the cons outweighed the pros –  the cons, by the way, haven’t been fully disclosed to me.

I accepted it, for the 5 minutes I knew I would.

I tried distancing myself to get some control of the inevitable. I don’t know what sense that made because we still ended up together and I ended up further down the rabbit hole each time.

I got annoyed, uncomfortable and dissatisfied with the current situation. I wanted more. I couldn’t get it, at least not from him.

I had so much bottled up inside me and the thoughts I had when I was alone made nothing easier. I began to try to reason things out, read into non-existent signals, made my own explanations without consultation.

I got so tired and that last call seemed to confirm one of the things I had convinced myself of about him. I let it out. I just said what was on my mind at that time. Precise and Direct. I felt so relieved just to get it out. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me.

I hung up. That was it. I haven’t heard back from him since. No message, no calls, nothing. But I can’t get him off my mind. He was more than he wanted to be for me.

Now everyday I’m wondering what he’s doing and how he’s spending his days. The likelihood of us running into each other is ridiculously low. So now I just re-read old messages and go online just to see if he’s online too.

We were once able to pick up on each others telepathic messages and I have been calling him so loud but I can’t get an answer. Every time I think of some way to see him or talk to him I talk myself out of it because I don’t want to make a fool of myself and most times my gut feeling is right.

We are both too stubborn and full of pride to be the first one to pick up the phone and send a message to break the silence. But damn, I miss him. The last time I spent with him, we did nothing, barely spoke but it was good. It was good because he was there.

I need him for that.

And its kinda scary to think that maybe he doesn’t need me for that.

Maybe he hates me.

I don’t want to be right.