Last night I witnessed one of my longest (oldest?) friends get married. It was beautiful through and through.
It was great fun and sort of a mini reunion for us gals that went to high school together. We joined the bride and groom on the dance floor and we danced away. We weren’t short on laughter and fun that night. There was happiness all around and I truly felt happy to see so many persons my age happy with their ‘person’.
The night ended and my ride got me and dropped me home and it sunk in. All my friends are happy in relationships, making the next step of marriage and starting a family and here I am…alone. If on any night I didn’t want to be alone it was this night. But I was and I stayed that way. I cried a little, because my mind went there. My mind went to counting the number of my friends that are married, engaged, in a relationship, new parents and happy. What was my issue? Why didn’t any of my long term relationships work? Why can’t I meet a guy that’s on the same page as me? Why can’t I have that? (And by that I don’t mean the wedding). I never like having too long of a pity party so I eventually just fell asleep.
I woke up this morning with the same feeling. Then I decided to go on social media. That is always the worst decision to make when in a mood like this. Believe me when I say EVERYBODY AND DEM MODDA WAS CELEBRATING ANNIVERSARIES, MARRIAGES AND LOVE. Everybody. Like I was being taunted.
I’m not actually looking forward to a wedding. I never have. Never dreamt of that as a child. I have no idea what I want my dress to look like or my color scheme or a theme or location. NOTHING. All I’ve ever dreamed about was sharing my life with someone that loves me for me, loves me genuinely, is honest and faithful and someone I can build a life and family with. I’ve only ever dreamed of my partner and how awesome our lives will be. And that’s the part that matters. The person, not the moment.
In college I felt my biological clock ticking. I wanted to have a baby so bad. That baby-fever is a real thing. I no longer feel that. I told myself I wanted to have my children by the age of 30 but I want to get married before that. I also would prefer if I knew my spouse for years prior to us getting married. Well, the clock’s a-ticking and time is running out.
That’s a timeline I gave myself that doesn’t seem to be working out. Last night a friend of mine who was also present at the wedding said she thinks it’s just gonna surprise me. Just creep up on me. I sure do hope so. Because this is borderline depressing.
While I acknowledge that marriage isn’t for everyone I sure hope God thinks it’s for me because the only thing I don’t want in life is to be alone and I love to love. (Sometimes it hurts to be that way)