I’m Super Girl
And I’m here to save the world
And I wanna know
Who’s gonna save me?
(And I wanna know why I feel so alone)
I don’t think a song has ever, so accurately, described my feelings.
My current situation has me feeling all kinds of alone and frustrated and a little sad (maybe more than a little).
Just today I was thinking (today isn’t the first but today the thought was really serious) that every time my friends are going through something, I am always the one offering help and trying to ensure everybody is ok. YET, whenever I am the one going through something (like the situation I am going through now) there is no one going out of their way or breaking their necks to ensure that I am ok. Why? huh, Why?
Lets just say that I am in a very uncomfortable situation and I NEED to get out of it. For better positioning of your mind, no, I did not put myself in this position. Let’s examine 4 case studies. After I shared the situation with some friends and one discovered it with me, here were the responses:
- One friend said they would check back on me and see how I’d be doing. At the moment of writing this post (published immediately after) it has been exactly 8 days and I have not heard a peep back from the friend.
- Another friend took all of an entire week before responding to me and don’t talk about busy. If this friend wants to contact me, nothing stops her. NOTHING. Not once did she ask about my discomfort or safety (just if anything was stolen).
- Another friend missed her two self-set deadlines regarding getting information to me that could help me get out of this situation. At the time of this post being written and published, I cannot get through to her to give her an update. Maybe she thinks I’m calling about what she voluntarily promised me.
- Now this friend is in a category all to himself. I wonder if I should even refer to him as a friend. Now this person is similar to me in a few aspects but so very different. I will say that this friend tried to help but was asking all of the wrong questions and really never satisfied a need. This friend actually couldn’t understand what the problem was and as such this created a mental barrier in my head against them (sorry). Being that they couldn’t understand the discomfort, I was left in the situation.
*NB. These are the same friends who would never let me celebrate a birthday alone. Now, had any of them (minus number 4 because they have never needed anyone for anything and I have said this to them before) been in the situation I am in, I would be the one sacrificing to make sure they are safe and ok. I would even go to the extent of breaking rules to ensure that they are a little more comfortable, that they have someone they can vent to, that they have a shoulder to cry on and just let is all out. Because, sometimes, life gets a little overwhelming.
But I have long time known and accepted that people don’t really care. They will ask you ‘how are you?’ out of manners or custom but really don’t want to hear anything but ‘I’m ok/ I’m good/ I’m fine, thanks’. Nobody wants to hear about another person’s problems. NOBODY. Even when they ask, they hope you spare the details and don’t talk about it for too long because they have their own “fish to fry”.
This is very unfortunate and it shouldn’t be the way it is. No one person can be that self sufficient to not need another person to lean on even if only momentarily. Apparently, my friends see me as that person. That person that always has a solution to every problem. That person whose problems are never bigger than them. That person who is tough. That person who will get through it. That person who will be fine. I think every time I have an issue they say “Charnele? She’ll be fine. She’s tough.”
I am not that person. Yes, I have been raised to be able to do certain things for myself but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like some help. And because I am treated like this, track record will show that I handle things almost always by myself. That’s the problem with being the strong person. No one seems to know that sometimes it gets to hard for you to handle it alone. No one knows how you cry over certain things. No one knows when you are truly unhappy.
Throughout this whole ordeal, the only two persons that related to my shock and discomfort and cared for my safety was my mother and a cousin I told. And to think I didn’t want to tell my mother because I didn’t want her to worry. I did anyway, after analysing all I just said. I just wanted my mother. She was hundreds of thousands of miles away though. She would get me and she did. I guess what they say is true ‘at the end of the day, family is all you’ve got’.
Still, how am I going to continue being Super Girl, saving the world if I still have to ask “Who’s gonna save me?“