I Miss Him

Not an ex just in case your mind went there.

I know what category he falls in in my life and I don’t want to admit it.

I don’t think it was meant to be anything but to me it became something.

It’s another case of ‘it meant more to one’. I was aware that it was becoming something I probably couldn’t do without. I couldn’t stop it. We talked about it and he, being true to himself, looked at it rationally. Said the cons outweighed the pros –  the cons, by the way, haven’t been fully disclosed to me.

I accepted it, for the 5 minutes I knew I would.

I tried distancing myself to get some control of the inevitable. I don’t know what sense that made because we still ended up together and I ended up further down the rabbit hole each time.

I got annoyed, uncomfortable and dissatisfied with the current situation. I wanted more. I couldn’t get it, at least not from him.

I had so much bottled up inside me and the thoughts I had when I was alone made nothing easier. I began to try to reason things out, read into non-existent signals, made my own explanations without consultation.

I got so tired and that last call seemed to confirm one of the things I had convinced myself of about him. I let it out. I just said what was on my mind at that time. Precise and Direct. I felt so relieved just to get it out. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me.

I hung up. That was it. I haven’t heard back from him since. No message, no calls, nothing. But I can’t get him off my mind. He was more than he wanted to be for me.

Now everyday I’m wondering what he’s doing and how he’s spending his days. The likelihood of us running into each other is ridiculously low. So now I just re-read old messages and go online just to see if he’s online too.

We were once able to pick up on each others telepathic messages and I have been calling him so loud but I can’t get an answer. Every time I think of some way to see him or talk to him I talk myself out of it because I don’t want to make a fool of myself and most times my gut feeling is right.

We are both too stubborn and full of pride to be the first one to pick up the phone and send a message to break the silence. But damn, I miss him. The last time I spent with him, we did nothing, barely spoke but it was good. It was good because he was there.

I need him for that.

And its kinda scary to think that maybe he doesn’t need me for that.

Maybe he hates me.

I don’t want to be right.

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